I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
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