I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
