wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
