what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
