Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
