Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
