I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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