ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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