Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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