dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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