I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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