Your face is a jimmy john
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
