My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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