she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
