theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
