At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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