I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
