So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize