The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
