i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
