Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
