YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
