I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
