Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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