Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
