she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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