moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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