just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Never joke about your clitoris.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
