life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Drake has all the answers
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
