Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
