I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
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