I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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