Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
