So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
