I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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