Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
