I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish you could order shots online.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
