I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
