her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
