If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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