I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
