Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I touched a dick in church today
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
