the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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