i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
