He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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