i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Hippo gnu deer
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
