ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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