I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
as a side note pls kill me
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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