he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
