If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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