SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I haven't been this sober since birth.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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