I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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