Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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