i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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