I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
