Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
