I'm lost and stupid without you.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
