No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
