the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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