Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
