My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
