Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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