I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
