Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
